Sleeping alone in my own bed is so much less lonely than sleeping alone in a yurt with someone you want to snuggle nearby but inaccessible.

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The good news is that my paycheck is what I predicted. If my hours stay consistent I will net about $1000 a month.
Unfortunately -645 for rent, -30(?) for electric, -85 for phone, -50 for medical bill at collections, -81 for bus pass...
That leaves 100 a month.
And this month I have been spending my money on food and medicine so I have a two month backlog of electric, phone, and Internet. Is there something I have worth selling?
I don't think there is.
But I don't think I can stand to work with no days off ever again...I guess I might have to. Why do I insist on having a nice place to live?

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Do you ever have moments where you're walking over a bridge or cliff or whatever and suddenly you stop and stare at the ground and think about how nice it would be to jump and feel free for a moment and then smash into the ground and maybe be dead and feel nothing or at least be hurt and things would change?

Yeah. Me too.

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Overtired and jealous self-esteem crash! My brain "you should say sorry a lot! Send some texts! That'll make them like you more! It's totally a zero-sum competition and you are losing!"

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Tonight there is tree-trimming and holiday cocktails at Meg's and this weekend John is in town. Hooray!
Also I'm resume bombing and feel pretty good about it.

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So has anyone else ever woken up from a confusing dream and googled "how to have a threesome"? The problem is they are all about how to get two other people in a room ready to have sex. I mean literally, my brain was drawing a blank and had gotten the participants together and naked and then kept getting sidetracked because it didn't know the next step. Then it woke me up. THANKS FOR GETTING ME ALL RILED UP, BRAIN.

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I like saying AbiKnopp as all one word and then realize I'm talking to a new friend of hers and stumble and revise it to "Abi Stokes neé Knopp" and that is a thing that happens.

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I am not allowed to complain for a while. My cold is not the flu, my paychecks are covering rent and bills, i got laid this weekend, and my dad is buying me a car because his mechanic friend is cutting him a great deal and my dad is always looking out for me.
For the moment I'm happy :-)

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This bar is a good bar. Say what you will about hipsters but they leave attractive, lonely, single girls drinking by themselves and looking miserable and contemplative ALONE. Boys do not realize how exceptional they need to be for me to not reject them instantly. People say to just say hello, just ask her out, just tell her you like her.
Please don't say those things to me. If I like you I am such a fucking spaz it's obvious. If i'm flirting that just means I'm awake and not miserable or possibly trying to get something like a drink or a tip or you to tell me I look nice. It does not mean I want your dick in my mouth.

This turned into a way too in-depth examination of girls being a mystery.

Really all I wanted to say is, I'm glad everyone is leaving me the fuck alone here at bushwhacker cidery. I wish I had someone to call up anytime and ask to go get a drink with me and maybe watch some tv and snuggle and have secksy timez if the mood strikes us but this is cold hard lonely Portland and that part of my life is gone for now.
So I try to form connections but mostly need to relearn, again, how to be alone.

Jesus Christ, star, listen to yourself.

Also John told me not to apologize so much. Much like another John did when I was little >_<

Get it together star. Jess was amazing, but you are not her and you can do better.

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