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hi lj

i'm gonna make some friends only posts soon so you should go ahead and comment here if you want me to add you.

oh lj

LJ I miss you because you were the blog that let me say things to my friends that I couldn't say out loud. I guess I don't need that as much as I did in high school. Doesn't mean I don't still need it. We watch shows set in high school because real life is just a giant high school, isn't it? I almost ended that sentence with a period. I'm not interested in asking questions right now. I'm looking for answers I suppose.
I applied for more veterinary jobs yesterday. All online but still. I haven't given up and all signs point to that being something to be proud of. The default is giving up, right? So I'm above average.
I try not to think about how tech school is now 2 years away. I cry sometimes but not often. I still have this house and this partner and these cats. I still volunteer at Pixie. I flake out sometimes, but I'm trying.
My job is fine. It's a job. I just wish it was my "day job" and I was working toward something else. I suppose I am since I'm still in school. I'm taking chemistry this quarter, it starts on Saturday. Scared. Not scared. Wrong word. Tense and cautious and more than anything traumatized.
I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Boyfriend just asked me what I'm doing. Admitted that I'm writing in my livejournal. Described it as a semi-public blogging web site that none of my friends use anymore so no one I know will see it, probably, but I know it will be read but at the same time I'm not writing it for anyone in particular so I can be completely self-absorbed. Sound about write, lj?
Anyway let's be friends.

depressed

depressed about my weight, depressed about mistakes i make in my relationship, depressed about my partner's weight and my lack of physical attraction to him, depressed mostly about how i just screwed myself out of a year of my life that i could have been spending as a vet tech. i might not have gotten in anyway but i had a shot. now i have zero shots. no shots at all. if i could retake it next quarter i'd have a shot but i can't afford it. i won't be able to get financial aid having failed a course and i had to petition to get financial aid at all because i already have a bachelors degree. man am i sick of bullshit. and i'm even more sick of creating my own bullshit. i think i'll eat a cheeseburger and feel guilty about it.

failing

I can't believe I failed my class. I panicked and froze and now I'm not gonna pass. Miss more than 2 labs and you can't pass. She said that right at the beginning. And i missed 3 labs. The deadline for applying to vet tech school is March 1st and Winter quarter ends March 23rd. So even if I took this class again next Winter I will never finish in time. So I can't go to vet tech school this year. Instead of starting school in a year, I will be starting in 2 years. I'm already so old. I already have wasted so much time with depression and anxiety. Now I have to waste two more years before I can start pursuing something real, something I care about. I have to keep biding my time. Career-wise anyway. Tim blames me for prioritizing my friendships. I disagree. I think I started panicking and redirected my energies early on but it wasn't a conscious choice and it wasn't as much of a choice as he makes it out to be. I don't know. I'm not a bug, you can't put a pin in me and hold me down. How do you solve a problem like Star?

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hi LJ

sometimes I miss you

sara teasdale

I am alone, in spite of love,
In spite of all I take and give—
In spite of all your tenderness,
Sometimes I am not glad to live.

I am alone, as though I stood
On the highest peak of the tired gray world,
About me only swirling snow,
Above me, endless space unfurled;

With earth hidden and heaven hidden,
And only my own spirit's pride
To keep me from the peace of those
Who are not lonely, having died.

Foodz

Today I ate brown rice/kale/tomato/nutritional yeast, two coffee drinks, a green smoothie, some caprese salad, a banana, some cottage cheese, some natural chips from the co-op, a couple handfuls of trail mix, a beer, and a cocktail.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Life

Ive been riding my bike to and from work every day. I live at 17th and Hawthorne now and work is across the river at 6th and Yamhill so it's less than 2 miles away. I've been getting back down to my preferred weight, getting my tummy to how I like it, and I feel a bit better.
I think the only reason I can handle it is that acupuncture has been keeping my shoulder in check. It gets inflamed and aches and does something to my nerves to make the pain radiate down my arm and sometimes makes my arm go numb. Once it's in that place every kind of stretching or rubbing makes it worse. Ice can numb it but doesn't really help long term, heat is a crapshoot.
Acupuncture is amazing. I've been going weekly for about a month now. I wish I could go more often. It's helping me heal finally.
I've been going to Outside In for the acupuncture as well as seeing a psychiatrist there. Upped my mood stabilizer (lamictal). Still on the same dose of Effexor. Anxiety too high.
Anyway. I just needed a place to talk about my boring health.

I love my apartment. Haven't finished setting it up yet. It's in a neighborhood I love and my neighbors are interesting. Most of them around my age. The cats are happy and pouncy. It has a bathtub. I've been taking baths a lot.

Work's going alright. Have full time hours. So that is nice.

Well I'm going to bed now.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Apr. 1st, 2012

Sleeping alone in my own bed is so much less lonely than sleeping alone in a yurt with someone you want to snuggle nearby but inaccessible.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Texts to my mom

The good news is that my paycheck is what I predicted. If my hours stay consistent I will net about $1000 a month.
Unfortunately -645 for rent, -30(?) for electric, -85 for phone, -50 for medical bill at collections, -81 for bus pass...
That leaves 100 a month.
And this month I have been spending my money on food and medicine so I have a two month backlog of electric, phone, and Internet. Is there something I have worth selling?
I don't think there is.
But I don't think I can stand to work with no days off ever again...I guess I might have to. Why do I insist on having a nice place to live?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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